I'm Still Here

Ha! I sure am not going to get to 365 memories at this rate. I've been up to a lot since my last post. The same stuff the rest of the world goes through. Most important is that I am still sober. I am living in a new place, a better place and while that is good, I dont have as many meetings near me as the last place I lived. I've dedicated myself to three meetings a week and sometimes find that I don't even make all of those. But I am getting better each day at disciplining myself into doing the things I must do and making those meetings no matter what is at the top of my (admittedly very long) list.

I stopped back in to force myself to post and went back and read some comments I had received and you don't know how much it means to me to know people I don't even know are rooting for me.

I feel like it is getting so much easier because I am so busy and have not had a desire or thought of drinking in so darn long. When I realized that I had passed 2 months sober and not given it much thought I knew I was heading for trouble. Ain't that a revelation? Two years ago, five years ago, ten years ago if I went a couple months with no desire to drink I would drop the whole AA thing. What would be the point, right? Oh, devil alcoholism how well I know thee now. It's when I think you are gone, no longer a bother, that you sneak up the quickest. For me, not feeling like alcohol is a daily or even weekly struggle is my surest sign that I need to head to the rooms and stay there.

Meeting Makers Make It

I'm slipping on meetings again. I have only one excuse - I'm exhausted after a day of taking care of my kids. Of course, that isn't a good excuse especially given that one of my triggers is tiredness. I have been finding myself thinking of drinking as a means to relax at the end of the day. I don't think I am near picking up a drink but having the thought is unacceptable. I know that when I consistently make meetings these thoughts occur much less frequently. I am rededicating myself to one meeting per day. Taking in a noontime meeting while the baby naps would get rid of my end-of-the-day-exhaustion excuse. Now I just need not to use the excuse of needing to get this and that done while the baby sleeps. Recovery has to be the priority. The damn laundry can wait.

Relapse is not a Requirement

Several weeks ago when I raised my hand in a meeting to ask for phone numbers, crying over the situation with possibly losing custody of my children, the first woman who came up to me was A. She was a pretty and petite woman, well coiffed, perfect makeup. In tight blue jeans and black heels, she looked ready for a Vogue photo shoot or clubbing. Handing me her phone number she hugged me and whispered in my ear "I just got my children back." I never did call her. But on the night when I picked up my 30 day chip, she came in a few minutes late. I knew right away that something was wrong. She was again dressed to the nines but something about her face....and she seemed unsteady on her feet. I knew that she had relapsed. She sat up front and at the end of the meeting they asked her to present the chips. When I got mine she gave me a hug. Outside the meeting clubhouse afterward several of us stood smoking cigarettes. Her voice was hoarse and shaky. I wanted to ask her what had happened to make her pick up again. I wanted to ask her where her children were now. Her relapse scared me. It didn't scare me into thinking "My goodness, this is what I don't want to go through ever again." It scared me because I have seen others relapse and for some reason I usually think "I'm not that bad. Anyway, she went out again and here she is at a meeting...I could do that, too." It is twisted really. I used to think the same thing when I saw someone falling down drunk in a bar or club, unable to speak coherently. I used to think, "God I never want to be like that. And I'm not so its okay to keep drinking." The problem is that it was true that I was not like those people....I was worse. Only I didn't see myself worse because by then I'd be in a blackout, suffering the shame and embarrassment only in the hungover aftermath wondering what I had done and how I had gotten this far again. No, relapse is not a requirement...to me, it is a warning and a very frightening one at that.

1000 Nights

I wasn't going to pick up a 30 day chip today for the same reason I didn't pick up a white chip one month ago - I have so darn many of them. The white chips, I could tile a kitchen floor with them. A blinding reminder of failures past. But I did get a chip tonight because it feels like these 30 days were hard won. There were quite a few nights that I felt like drinking but did not. Those first two weeks in particular were hair raising at times but here I am. It's no joke when they say that those first 30 days feel like 1000 nights. They sure did to me.

1 month down, another 24 hours to go.

G'night.

Enabling

I went to a women's meeting this morning and like happens at 99% of meetings, the topic of discussion was just what I needed to hear. We talked about enabling, with many of the women there talking about enabling their children and how difficult it is to stop. It was interesting hearing their take on it as I was always the enabled, never the enabler. They talked about how sometimes cutting their kids off and/or kicking them out of the house is the only way to save them. For me, my parents' did not get to that point until my alcoholism was costing them their health, their money, and their respect in their neighborhood. And while I understood why they finally got to the point of kicking me out, it still made me angry.

I find that in the past few weeks, every time I am getting angry at someone, I force myself to consider how my actions brought about the situation in the first place. And what it comes down to is that every major and minor upsetting or negative situation that exists in my life right now is a direct result of my drinking or my immature feelings of entitlement (itself a result of stunted emotional growth due in large part to drinking.) Part of no longer being enabled is being allowed/forced to grow up and make decisions and take responsibility for the outcomes - good or bad - without expecting anyone to bail me out. I suppose 37 years of age and a mother of three is a good place in life to start acting like a grown-up and taking responsibility. haha.

Ramble on Loneliness

I really like using HALT to take my emotinal/physical "temp" when I suddenly feel like drinking or when I just feel out of sorts. I check if I am Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. For me, the answer is almost never Lonely. I am the type that likes to have time to myself. But in the past couple weeks, I have found myself returning to my rented room and staring out the window, wishing there was someone to talk to or just be around. I call my sister on the telephone quite a bit, we talk almost every single day - several times a day usually. But I have not been able to make use of the many telephone numbers I have been able to gather from the rooms in the past week. Two of those who gave me numbers also gave me their email addresses and I think I may try emailing them as a first step toward actually using the phone.

Lucky Thirteen

I have been going to meetings every single day. In the past week or so I have been going to two meetings almost every day. I am afraid to say that things feel different this time because I still have that fear of jinxing myself. But the truth is it does feel different. I am not getting all into my head about what I am doing in this recovery process and whether it can really work. I am just doing it. And it is so strange that although I still say I don't like meetings, I go rushing out the door once or twice a day to get to one. To be sure, sometimes at about half-way through I am ready to go, I get a little antsy but I am always, always glad that I went.

I had a rough couple of days over the weekend, dealing with my mother as usual. A couple of times the thought of having a drink or two or a dozen came to me just to get out of the anger or depression I was feeling. But instead, I called and talked to my sister, I watched stand-up comedy on cable, I ate a meal. I ate a lot, actually. Finally, on Saturday I raised my hand at a meeting and asked for phone numbers. My problem is that I have no fear of speaking in public in front of large crowds but I get nauseous and feel like I'll mess myself if I approach a person one-on-one. So I told the group that and at the end of the meeting ended up staying an extra 15-20 minutes while women after women came up to me to share their stories of dealing with their mothers or losing custody of their children and gave me their telephone numbers. I have not yet called any of them but I finally programmed all their numbers into my phone this morning.

Two things happened today that let me know it is time to get a sponsor - even a temporary one. One was that I almost forgot about the noon time meeting I wanted to go to and the other is that I almost didn't go to the 7pm meeting because I was feeling lazy and wanted to watch t.v. Thirteen days into this program is waaay too early to feel like I want to slack off even a little. I made both meetings and tomorrow and I will in earnest look for a sponsor.