Day Two, MidMorning

Damn it, Damn it, Damn it! I just got off the telephone with my parents who are trying to decide how many days they will allow me to visit my children at their home. I know I've messed up too many times. I know where they are coming from. I know I can't afford to let anger carry the day. All this I know yet I am still angry. I feel like I have been abandoned. I feel like my mom is getting what she's really wanted all along - my children. And now that papers have been signed (no matter that they are supposed to be temporary) she has less reason to work with me. I might just be paranoid...I don't know. But after I got off the telephone I paced my sister's house then ran into the bathroom and swallowed a capfull of mouthwash. Stupid, stupid, stupid. But I desperately want to have a drink and of course I know where the nearest store to get booze is but not the nearest meeting. It's 10:30 in the friggin' morning and I just want a bit to drink to forget what I am feeling right now, if only for a few hours. Otherwise I fear I will only want to cry and scream all day.