Middle School Heart
10 years ago
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
6 Days Sober
I finally started going to meetings when I returned home to Florida. There was nothing especially upsetting that happened last Wednesday when I ended the day in a bar. In fact, I had started therapy that day, something I desperately need and something that has been so helpful to me in the past. It should have been a fine day. But for some reason my head filled up with voices - about my debts, my anger with my mother, my uncertainty as to where to take my life from this point - and getting a packk of cigarettes was not enough to quiet them. Of course I only intended to have one or two drinks. Of course. So after taking the following couple of days to recover, I started what I hope will be a complete 90 in 90. I am actually feeling hopeful and have been for a couple of days. I still am not crazy about meetings but I have made the decision not to analyze why I don't like them and not to analyze the meetings themselves. I go because I am told this is part of the program of recovery that will help me stay sober. I don't understand how that works and it is okay that I don't understand. I will just continue going everyday.
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I can completely relate to what you are saying, here. I didn't want to go to meetings - not at ALL - at first. I went because I had an ultimatum hanging over my head, and I resented everyone there. But I had nowhere else to go, and I admitted to myself that at least that was one place I didn't feel judged. So I did the 90 in 90... about 6 or 7 weeks into it I didn't hate it there anymore, and after 10 weeks I wanted to be there. What changed for me is that I actually let people get to know me - my closest 3 or 4 friends are now all people I met who didn't give up on me during those awful early weeks.
ReplyDeleteJust keep going - I know how aggravating it is to hear that over and over, but it does help. I told myself after 90 days if I didn't want to go anymore I didn't have to... it was the only way I could stomach it, and it made me feel less pressured. Whatever gets you there is good.
Hang in there - you're doing great.
-Ellie
A FOUR-LETTER WORD
ReplyDeleteMs Mouse. Hello. So many things I did not understand (still don't) and so now I just shut up and "DO-IT", that dreaded 4-letter word DOIT.
Yer gonna make it, girl, I can feel it in my bones!
Peace!
Oh yeah, at six (seven, now?) days, you might consider, instead of trying for a YEAR, try for "One Day At A Time"
ReplyDeleteIt seems to work better that way for millions of people, I'm serious!