I have been going to meetings every single day. In the past week or so I have been going to two meetings almost every day. I am afraid to say that things feel different this time because I still have that fear of jinxing myself. But the truth is it does feel different. I am not getting all into my head about what I am doing in this recovery process and whether it can really work. I am just doing it. And it is so strange that although I still say I don't like meetings, I go rushing out the door once or twice a day to get to one. To be sure, sometimes at about half-way through I am ready to go, I get a little antsy but I am always, always glad that I went.
I had a rough couple of days over the weekend, dealing with my mother as usual. A couple of times the thought of having a drink or two or a dozen came to me just to get out of the anger or depression I was feeling. But instead, I called and talked to my sister, I watched stand-up comedy on cable, I ate a meal. I ate a lot, actually. Finally, on Saturday I raised my hand at a meeting and asked for phone numbers. My problem is that I have no fear of speaking in public in front of large crowds but I get nauseous and feel like I'll mess myself if I approach a person one-on-one. So I told the group that and at the end of the meeting ended up staying an extra 15-20 minutes while women after women came up to me to share their stories of dealing with their mothers or losing custody of their children and gave me their telephone numbers. I have not yet called any of them but I finally programmed all their numbers into my phone this morning.
Two things happened today that let me know it is time to get a sponsor - even a temporary one. One was that I almost forgot about the noon time meeting I wanted to go to and the other is that I almost didn't go to the 7pm meeting because I was feeling lazy and wanted to watch t.v. Thirteen days into this program is waaay too early to feel like I want to slack off even a little. I made both meetings and tomorrow and I will in earnest look for a sponsor.
Middle School Heart
10 years ago
You are doing great. It takes SO MUCH courage to raise your hand, ask for phone numbers, tell on yourself. I share your fear of one-on-one contact - I don't have any problem speaking to groups, either. It sounds like you'll do great on commitments! If you have joined a group that does commitments, it may be worth going along on a few even before you can speak. I found that I got to know people better in the car rides there and back - it sort of forced me to socialize... I was never good at picking up the phone. I couldn't even ask anyone to be my sponsor - even four months along. Finally, my sponsor asked me. I am SO grateful she did - I was very, very close to relapse. So I wholeheartedly agree a sponsor - even a temporary one - is a great thing. If you see someone you connect with - ask her -because someone you may not want to be your sponsor could approach you, and then it is hard to say no.
ReplyDeleteI am so grateful you are writing about your experience - you are helping me so much. I think you are so brave. Hang in there.
-Ellie