Did not sleep a wink last night (tonight?) Had a late morning nap then tea with lunch and then diet pepsi with dinner. Total caffeine overload. The night was not a total loss though, as I reaffirmed that I indeed have a most addictive personality. Still sober but binged on not only caffeine but nictotine and food as well. If there is anything bad that I can do to excess, it appears I will! Now why can't I just go back to a few healthy things that I like (reading, writing, laughing, walking) and go at them with abandon? At least I do put my all in playing with my children.
I did like re-watching the movie "Shine" with Geoffrey Rush. Had myself a good boo-hoo and made the decision that I need to once and for all seperate myself from my mother. That movie just clarified for me that a parent can be both loving and toxic. That is my mother. She manages to be quite loving to my children but then again they are quite young.
I had a bout of "I really don't like myself" period this long night. My own annoying voice in my head has many, many times drove me to drink just to shut her up. Then there is the laziness and chronic procrastination. Luckily that line of thinking didn't last long as I had a great idea for a story and did quite a bit of writing. Then again, not finishing projects is another thing I don't like about myself so who knows if that story will ever end up completed.
Oh, oh...not going anywhere good knocking myself around like that. Think I'll stop now.
Middle School Heart
10 years ago
Believe it or not, A.E. Mouse...you are describing many of the conditions which constitute the disease of alcoholism.
ReplyDeleteIt's NOT "How much do you drink?" as much as it is "How does it affect you?"
If I were you, I'd grab hold of a Big Book, which is what we call our "manual", named Alcoholics Anonymous. Read the first 164 pages, all the forwards, ESPECIALLY "The Doctor's opinion" in the front of book.
THEN get thee to a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous...any one will do.
NEXT (do this VERY soon, if you really want to "get better")...get a SPONSOR--anyone who has some good horse-sense sobriety, you can spot that. Someone who is a bit enthusiastic about this program.
NEXT...tell that sponsor your whole truth, as you see it now.
I hope you are listening to my advice--which you did not ask for, but-cha got it anyway!!!
We'll pray for you, Buddy!
Hi,
ReplyDeleteI completely understand about the chronic procrastination and laziness. I also agree with Steve that these things are symptoms of the disease. You are doing really well for someone who has only 11 days of sobriety. (I think). My perception of my behavior only started to happen after about six weeks of continuous sobriety.