Relapse is not a Requirement

Several weeks ago when I raised my hand in a meeting to ask for phone numbers, crying over the situation with possibly losing custody of my children, the first woman who came up to me was A. She was a pretty and petite woman, well coiffed, perfect makeup. In tight blue jeans and black heels, she looked ready for a Vogue photo shoot or clubbing. Handing me her phone number she hugged me and whispered in my ear "I just got my children back." I never did call her. But on the night when I picked up my 30 day chip, she came in a few minutes late. I knew right away that something was wrong. She was again dressed to the nines but something about her face....and she seemed unsteady on her feet. I knew that she had relapsed. She sat up front and at the end of the meeting they asked her to present the chips. When I got mine she gave me a hug. Outside the meeting clubhouse afterward several of us stood smoking cigarettes. Her voice was hoarse and shaky. I wanted to ask her what had happened to make her pick up again. I wanted to ask her where her children were now. Her relapse scared me. It didn't scare me into thinking "My goodness, this is what I don't want to go through ever again." It scared me because I have seen others relapse and for some reason I usually think "I'm not that bad. Anyway, she went out again and here she is at a meeting...I could do that, too." It is twisted really. I used to think the same thing when I saw someone falling down drunk in a bar or club, unable to speak coherently. I used to think, "God I never want to be like that. And I'm not so its okay to keep drinking." The problem is that it was true that I was not like those people....I was worse. Only I didn't see myself worse because by then I'd be in a blackout, suffering the shame and embarrassment only in the hungover aftermath wondering what I had done and how I had gotten this far again. No, relapse is not a requirement...to me, it is a warning and a very frightening one at that.